I so look forward to Mondays. Weekends I dread. Sounds strange right? Well, I am a Stay-at-home/ work-from-home mom who loves the routine i have set for myself and baby and the household. Weekends are when I have 2 babies in the house – 1 the actual babyT and the other my big and first baby: my husband.
A rant that went wrong
This Sunday was a noteworthy one. My husband and son tucked me into an afternoon nap and promised they would be good. An hour and a half later when I opened my eyes, my relaxed smile was short lived. There were gulal and haldi strewn on the walls, leftover Holi balloons had been burst in the living room and mud from the flower pots was a new Holi colour. To say I was furious was an understatement.
Of course, the husband who was supposed to be in charge got an earful and I was ranting and raving and telling him how fed up I was of the men in my life and why, just for one day, I WISHED he could be me and see what life was like. It was hard and he just didn’t appreciate all that I did.
A rude awakening
With these thoughts, I went to bed, minus my dinner and minus the cuddles. I felt bad but I was also furious and I had to show it. I had to run the point home. I don’t know when I fell asleep but I was rudely awakened by the crows cawing at 3 am. The witching hour. I felt heavy in my body, my T-shirt felt tight (wait, was I wearing a T-shirt to bed? I could have sworn I had not changed out of my kurta before I slept.) A mosquito bit me and I stretched to scratch my legs… curse it, I had only waxed last week and now I was hairy as a bear. But how could it be? Something was not right here.
I dragged myself to the bathroom to pee, and what the *&$#@ did I see, what was this in my pants?? What-the-hell, my curse had worked… I don’t know about my husband, but I had certainly turned into a man. Darn these wishes, only the wrong ones come true. I was doomed.
Ugh, hairy legs!
Ugh! All these 20 odd years of being a woman had spoiled me and I was dying in my hairy skin. Also, it was soo hot under the hair. I could have even sworn that a mosquito got lost in the hairy jungle of my legs.
Then again, you know what this means? No more monthly waxing appointments, no more silent tears, no more itchy stubble.
But first Tea
I was wide awake by now. I remembered that I had chores to do and force of habit pushed me to make an early start on them. But to my surprise, I could not recall any of the items on my to-do list. It mildly amused me that I had a to-do list for chores. This is what being a man meant. Serious things in life are a joke. Meh! I chuckled to myself and put the kettle on to make my green tea. Heck, what was wrong with me? I don’t even like green tea. It was my husband’s favourite. And to start the day with green tea. Hello migraine, I am waiting for you!
The laundry fairy visited
I must have dozed off because when I woke up it was almost 730 and I was supposed to be at work in ten minutes. How on Earth was I ever going to make it? All my clothes still had to be laundered, ironed and arranged in the closet.
But something magical happened when I opened the door to my closet – all my shirts, trousers, socks and even undies were in their place. All were perfectly ironed to a crisp and lined up according to colour. So this is what being a man felt like – the laundry fairies did their thing every day – day after day. I could live with this!
No compliments 🙁
Such an awful day. No one complimented me on my suit. After spending 30 minutes on the perfect blue shirt to go with the perfect navy pants and matching blue striped tie and socks too, no one noticed, forget complimenting me. All that effort went to waste. I could have spent 10 extra minutes in the shower instead.
Dressing up is overrated or meant for the ladies. I hated being a man. What is the point if no one was going to notice?
No one touched me either
I lost my chance to say #MeToo
All day today I did not get one push, shove, rubbing against (accidentally), no one’s knee scraped against mine at the meeting table, no gropes in the train and no lecherous stares as I waited at the bus stop for my bus to arrive.
Somewhere inside I was glad for this day. Just one day of not being touched inappropriately. Aah, to be a man!
My credit card is safe
The funniest thing happened though. On my way back from work I saw huge sign-boards everywhere that there was a 60% off sale at my favourite store. 60% off! But guess what, I just drove by. I had no urge, no curiosity, no interest in stopping by and even window shopping.
Oh my God, please make me a woman again. I can’t live like this. If being a man means I will have to shop only once a year then kill me NOW.
Do you hear the sound of silence?
The eerie silence in my head scared me. I was unable to multitask. I was unable to think of the 20 things to do after I had finished the first 10. My mind was empty. But wait, before you judge me to be a half-witted creature let me tell you what was actually in my head.
SEX! Yes, sex, sex, and more sex. That’s all I was thinking of. Where to do it, how to do it and when to do it.. and just more sex. Aarghhh, is that all a man thinks about? Well, I was assured by many men including my husband (the one who I am right now) that yes, that’s all that men thought of. Men’s brains rested in their pants and not on their shoulders. Men appear to have quite a keen interest in things like Asian Sex TubeV which, I must say, is very reassuring to know.
I turned the key in the main door and could hear tiny excited footsteps inside. The jangling of the keys had sounded my arrival. I opened the door to find my lil boy looking at me longingly and with eyes full of love. I scooped him up and he planted a 1000 wet kisses on my cheek. He held my face in his arms and said “Daddy’s home.”
Now this experience was worth all the crap the day had thrown at me. Being a stay-at-home mom I had never experienced the joy of walking in and having a tiny baby run into my arms. I was just always around at home to be blessed with this joy. For this, I could stay in this new avatar forever.
But before I could linger in this state of bliss, I had to rush to the restroom. Something felt wet down there. Can men not control their pee also now?
It was my periods. They were here. Unannounced, out of the blue, flowing, gushing, and with cramps and pain. And guess what that also meant? I had just woken up from my slumber and I was me. I was the mom. I was the woman. The lady of the house.
And I was bleeding. How I wish this one experience I could have passed on during the switch if there ever was one at all.
This blog post is a sarcastic yet witty take on the prompt Fun, female privileges I would like to pass on to men as part of the #WomensDayBlogParty.
The title of the blog post is taken from my favourite quote by William Shakespeare’s Hamlet.
I would like to thank Neha Jain for introducing me. Her blog post can be found here on ABC.
Do read the super witty take on the same prompt by my dear friend Aesha Shah. Her blog post is here: Aesha’s Musings.