Hi Granny (Mamama as I used to call you)

Do you see me from up above? Do you see my little boy? How I wish I could place him in your arms and feel the warmth of your breath on his newborn baby head. I wish I could just for once, show you his cherub like face, eyes shut and fist clenched tight. The pink of his skin, the delicate feel of his tiny feet in your wise palms. I really wish you had stayed to see my baby boy.

Me in stripes with my granny and mom and baby bro. 🙂

I prayed hard all these years to see you again, hold you one more time and tell you how much I love you.. but my wait was so so long. And then I was finally a mother. Do you remember granny, you had once pressed my teenage hands into your wrinkly, gnarled fingers and promised me that you would come back to me, as my child? I remembered it well for a long time and then somewhere down it drifted from my mind.

I remembered your words on the day I would be naming my little boy.. We were asked to pick 5 names, as is the tradition with our community and we were at a loss for the fifth name and then I remembered, Granny, what you had promised me all those years ago. I choked, tears welled up, I had lost my voice midway through the naming ceremony.. how awful of me to forget that you would be back. All I could utter instead was “Mamama, Mamama” Amma understood what had happened to me. She remembered the many times we talked about how you, my granny, a highly practical woman and who did not believe much in  unscientific concepts like rebirth, had surprised us with your promise of coming back to me. You did love me so so much, didn’t you granny.. more than anyone else in this world has till date. Amma’s eyes welled up too and she put her hand across my shoulder.. my babyT’s granny assuring me that it was ok to feel sad in that moment. So I did name my babyT in remembrance of you, granny. Did it make you happy?

I have longed to look deep into babyT’s eyes and find you there. Does he have the same eyes, nose or personality?  I don’t know granny, maybe he does or maybe he doesn’t. He is his own persona and will be a unique individual as is his right to be. But I can tell you this, he loves me a lot granny.  He was such a good baby. Never had episodes of endless crying, only 2- 3 episodes of colic, slept long hours from his 3rd month and sailed through teething, sleep regressions, vaccinations and growth spurts. It makes me think, that it is you, in his avatar, again making sure I, his favourite is not inconvenienced in any way. Just like you made sure I was always happy and comfortable, Granny.

I love my babyT more than I show or do for him, somewhere I feel my love is reaching you, wherever you are. And what I do wish is that he finds the same kind of love in this world, that you showed me Mamama. The same kind of discipline, wisdom and guidance that you gave me. Someone to teach him the terrible 9 multiplication table, the opposites of words and phrases, capital cities of the world and how to make tea and draw houses and trees. Your insights were from a time long gone by, but they stood so true then and even now I remember your words when certain incidents happen. I really do wish babyT has the same experiences and more with his grandparents and more specifically with his Mamama, your daughter. 🙂

I love you Mamama, please bless my babyT and smile down upon us from heaven. 🙂

Your ammani

Nayantara